crumbling rock

This week has been very very odd. friday to friday I've got so many odd bits of news, some seriously odd while others are sorrowful. What makes it even worse is that I'm being surrounded by birthday celebrations and a few new friends. like I said AJ called me friday, well she called me again wednesday. this time was completely different. Our good friend John Collins had finally died. He was 78 or so and had worked every day of it up until sunday. He finally died, he's not in pain anymore, not having to battle his cancer, and he's where he belongs. one of the greatest people I've ever met and If I could achieve being a quarter of the man that he was I will consider my existence pretty successful. I can't make it to his services...It's too bad, but I don't do well at funerals and its 4 hours away and I have to work. well I figured thats the worst news I could have gotten. I fixed that hurt with some good friends and good beers and met one of my favorite bands randomly at my buddy's house. everything seemed like it was turning around. And then I woke up with this killer hangover. well I went through work battling pain and brightlights. and I succeeded. once I got home my grandmother called me up to inform me that my father is in the hospital because of "a mass on his kidney". now he had some skin cancer removed from his nose last month, and now this, it may be malignant, but the tests are being run currently....Its sad that I'm a 24 year old man and I'm having problems realizing that my 47 year old father, one of the only people I hold as a hero, is not invincible. I know he's not gonna just roll over and die, or crash in his sleep... but I'm freaked out. I seriously just want to see my dad shake his hand, give him a hug, and tell him that I love him. I'm seriously scared of losing my father and I don't know how I wound this shit up in my head but the man has had his finger torn from his hand, got reattached, got hit by a car and was working on the house a day later, he gets sick once every three years. my brothers and I along with our friends are afraid to jump him and wrestle him down because he'll take us down and put at least three 17-26 yr old men in the hospital before he accepts his defeat. and now his age is getting to him. I know he's still the same guy but I'm seeing that he's not the "rock" he used to be. It just sucks.

Blast from the past

The other day she called me up, AJ. She told me that she had broken up with her significant other. She was in tears that were easily heard over the phone. After comforting her for a moment she asked me how my personal love life was, and I told her I'd recently started seeing someone. almost instantaneously the tears and sobbing were gone from her voice. As if this call was meant to tell me she wants me back. Yes I love this girl dearly, she's still one of my best friends. yet she strung me along and I followed because I wanted her back so badly. She fucked up my head and she knows this. Every friend of mine who knew her that I've spoken with has advised me not to go back, even my own mother who has known this girl for years advised against it. I didn't want the advice I just needed to talk to someone. I had already made my decision months prior. AJ may have realized that she fucked up, but I'm 98% sure I've moved on. Its sad, because I hate crushing peoples hopes. but I can't please everyone equally. This phone call did fuck up my head though, she switched teams after me, and completely changed. maybe she needed time to find herself(which was her reason for the breakup, along with my "quirks"). But still its fucked up. and now she will randomly call/text me to see how I'm doing, or tell me I was in her dream the nite prior, I don't ask details but I know what it meant. I guess what I've learned is that Shit happens and people change. Fuck it, live life, bleed slow.

Huzzah for making connections

So I was bartending for a bunch of teachers today. one of them asked me what I was majoring in and I told them education. Just about all of them stopped and shot the shit tryin to find out why I wanted to teach, what I want to teach, et cetera. Well one of the women offered me a spot for class observations and possible student teaching. The catch is that its an alternative school for kids who are felons. Kids that don't believe in themselves. I seriously want to land a job in the innercity because low income schools need teahcers and I just want to connect with a student an affect there life positively somehow. THIS IS PERFECT. second of all it'd look badass on a resume. I'm fuckin stoked. I mean it seriously brightened up the past few weeks since its been kinda hit and miss with life lately.
Only drawback is the school is like 25 miles away from me...fuck it, I'm stoked...It should be crazy good for me. and I'll get to do what I want. work with people who need me and learn from them. It will be win/win for both of us. I'll teach these kids what they need taught scholastically and some life lessons while they show me the possibilities of what they can do. I can't fuckin wait.

Life's Playlist

Of course this gets switched up from time to time, but the good ones stay forever.
In no particular order:

"Calm Down Baby" Mac Lethal (My everyday Anthem)

"Sucks to be You"- Murs (Gets me through a Bad day)

"Tire Swing"-Kimya Dawson (I dig it)

"Give Me Love" Grayskul (good beat, great lyrics)

"You Make Me Feel Like A Whore"-Everclear (Self Explanatory)

"Dig Up Her Bones" the misfits (I can't get there on my own)

"Jimmy" 1208 (Definition of me)

"1234 1234" Streetlight Manifesto (I'm a wet cigarette)

"Smart Went Crazy" Atmosphere

"modern Man's Hustle" Atmosphere (let's me know that I gotta take care of me)

"Don't Ever Fuckin Question That" Atmosphere (It's just how I am)

"Pipebomb on landsdowne" Dropkick Murphys (Makes me chuckle)

"Follow you into the dark" Deathcab (I dunno, but it gets me)

Yesterday" Atmosphere
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFakOHRED_w
"Guarantees" Atmosphere

"True Crime" Ramallah

"Girl" El Pus

"reflections" Atmosphere (GOD YES!)

"Sore Losers" Bigwig (listen to it now)

"Alone in New Jersey" Bigwig

"You may be Right" Billy Joel

"Dune Buggy" P.U.S.A.

"never been in Love" Talib Kweli

"Rocky Road to Dublin" Dropkick Murphys (My life lately)

"Midnight Thoughts" Madcap ( get it)

"Days of the BK's" El Pus ( just a nice throwback memory)

"Broke" Whole Wheat Bread

"Old Man Samson" Whole Wheat Bread (My current future)

"Painting" Atmosphere ( no paint covers these stains)

"Day in the Life" Ramallah

"Full of Love" Ramallah (Sarcasm at it's finest)

"Broken Wings" Sage Francis (I want a woman like this)

"Handlebars" Flobots (truth)

"Paper Planes" M.I.A. (The beat sets me off)

"100 proof" 88fingers louie

Theres more and updates to come...but you get the idea. Look up whats not linked its all damned good and covers a variety of genres


Pee sleazy

I forgot

How big of a shithole my home town is...its not that its a shithole so much as the unemployment rate affects a society. my neighbor mows the grass for the local corner store for credit so he can buy smokes. now mind you this guy has worked hard for his little part. He OWNS a very smal plot of land and a beat on trailer, he's married(I'm pretty sure) and has like 5 kids. He just got hurt at work a few years ago and now does odd jobs around a poverty stricken community. Most of the people in my town are alcoholics or junkies. most do shoddy construction work for a friend when they need cash otherwise they're content not contributing to society. It just makes me sick.

it's a motherfucker

this is not like me at all

I dunno what it is. I never have a problem talking to people. but there is this one girl, I seriously cannot talk to her. I don't know why. It blows my mind. maybe I just don't know if we have any common ground, but I can't get the guts to really say more than "hi". maybe I just need some social lubricant. mmmmmm honey weiss.

I had something show me that the bottom of the bottle is not the place to live my life. This thing was one of the most glorious amounts of time in my life. It showed me compassion, different views on life, care, and above all love. That time in my life has past. It past a long time ago. slowly I've seen myself becoming more fed up with society, angrier at people, more willing to start a revolution of society, but above all I've seen myself closing myself off from everyone. Very few people know who I am. I realized this after some friends answered some questions about me. the main thing people know is that I smoke like a chimney and I drink more than anyone they have ever met. these things may be true. but have you ever wondered why? why do I do these things? have you ever asked yourself that? Sure everyone I know enjoys when I'm around; if anything I'm a damn good story teller and a crazy son of a bitch. but why?

One of you have described me as a Great White Shark stuck in a fish tank. sometimes I feel that way, I mean, people don't view me as very modest but those that know me...they know I'm one of the most insecure people ever. I'm socially retarded unless I'm properly greased with enough social lubricant. I have mental explosions of ideas, but I can't convey them. Most tell me that my ideas are retarded. If I want to build something huge and awe inspiring shutup and let me do it. if you're jealous of it, shut the fuck up and give me a hand and bask in the glory of it. In the past 6 months two people have told me they are concerned about my drinking. because they know as well as me that when I drink I like to find adventure. The more I drink the larger the adventure becomes. I don't know what I'm saying. but I do know that very few of you know my core, I'm sorry I shut doors and hide them, but once you find them they are quite easy to open.


I'm an open book, please figure out which chapter to turn to.

Green bay...yhea

wow...my family is the biggest collective group of assholes I have ever met. Well I guess I was overexcited on friday. I didn't eat well, I basically ate freezer food in the hotel. I got completely bombed on saturday, starting around 11:30am. Its socially acceptable to start drinking in green bay at that time. and the whole time my family just bitched and tried to loop me into fucked up drama. yhea fuck that. I'm just happy I'm back where I belong, now I just gotta deal with work.

travel

I'm such an addict for travel. I don't care the reason. I love going new places. yet, lately I have realized I hate getting there. I love the start of a trip...usually; not like today when two stupid asses in the backseat first of all weren't on time when I had a flight to catch, couldn't quit being ignorant bastards when in a drivethru, and constantly bitched until they fell asleep even though we had only been in the car for an hour!!!! ok wtf seriously nevermind. but shit like that makes me hate trips, also just waiting to get there bugs me. I love flying, I hate being on the worlds smallest plane where normal sized people are overflowing in the seats. first leg was bad. I'm just sittin in cleveland, waitin to get on my next plane. my total flight time between two flights is shorter than my layover, wow. I'm just happy to get out of my normal environment. I get to goto the land of cheese, green bay wisconsin. I seriously love going there to see my family. My uncle pete is there also and I haven't seen him in a minute...actually I haven't seen this side of my family in quite some time. I'm pretty stoked. I get to see my cousins and all these crazy distant relative who remember me when I was "this big". But I'm gonna eat damned good and I'm gonna chill. well I gotta check on my flight status and get some food to eat since I haven't eaten today.

Rockin my face off

The past few weeks have been insane. I've been observing in a classroom setting. Chillin with all these little kids. At first, I wanted to smack all of there parents. but then I got to know these kids, its funny how little kids can show you to appreciate the little things in life. they show appreciation, care, and honesty. I mean yhea they lied to get out of trouble. but you knew where you stood with them. damn I wish I was back in elementary school.

Also on top of doing that I had to catch up on the past five or six weeks of observation papers. I'm just getting everything back together, schoolwise. but catchin up on these papers has been leading me to sleepless nights of typing and researching which run right into work and class. with a brain in that state, and random study breaks you start to think some crazy shit. I'm pretty sure of what I want and just about everything I've done this quarter is not it. I really don't have a connection with anyone here, thats fine, I have a connection with my booze and when I need to talk, its there to listen.

Other than that, I just haven't had time to write anything for my own personal benefit. I mean I have to be ready to get outta this dorm by friday since I leave for green bay, wi. I'll be back in town on monday. just one final on tuesday night. and then I'm working non stop.

But I do get to move into my apartment on the 20th(woot). but the 14th-20th is homeless couch crashing, so if anyone has a free couch let me know. I'll hit it up for a nite or two.

Pissed at Gas Prices?

Lets get a crew together and shoot the Oil execs in the face. I'm sure that will get the point across pretty quick.

Black hole sun

When there is a void so obvious in your life, what do you do? seriously. what if you don't know what is supposed to fill the void, should you just play the game of trial and error? Just see how long you can throw garbage into a bottomless pit? or do you figure out what is supposed to go there? Lately I've been going out with friends killin some beers having a good time. It feels like I'm just using a temporary fix to feel whole again. I'm not getting stimulus. the world just feels bland to me. I told my friend holly a few days ago that I drink to make everyone else more interesting; which for the most part is true. Not for my friends perse, but situations in general. I just need some spice in life and I can't find it. someone just show me something new please god. I think everyone thinks I tag walls because I think it expresses my creativity or some shit; actually it gives me a thrill; I get high off of it. thats what I want, something to just make me feel amazing, chemicals just work for a few hours. fuck it I need to find happiness.

Live Life, Bleed Slow

some of us Fall off the wagon
Most land face first and broken
When I hit the bottom of the bottle
I hit the ground running
Kept my head together
In a dive I've dove into before
Everything was the same
nothing had changed
I just soaked in my atmosphere
and let my troubles melt away
good times,
good friends
and cheap shitty beers
For just a few hours you forget about your fears
then its back to the grind day in and day out
except this time I'm not fiendin for stout
I'm gettin through it all
I'm keepin control
I finally collared my demons
and I cut their throats to muffle the screaming
of what they want and how to get it
If its to please my demons they can surely forget it

The World Is My Bombing Range

I feel completely insane. Maybe it’s working three jobs; maybe it’s being sober; maybe I'm actually happy for once and I'm smacked out of my skull on psychological euphoria. I don’t know, maybe its fear, maybe its desperation, maybe its numbness to the ignorance of society, maybe it’s all of these things.

Day in and day out I feel like I want to become an intelligent G.G. Allin who does something with himself instead of drinking fifths of Jim Beam, smoking crack rocks, shooting heroin, defecating on stage and throwing it into the crowd. I want to use my insane mind to start a revolution of sorts. I think it is horrible that I am using G.G. Allin as a template; G.G. Allin was born with the name Jesus Christ Allin. His father was very religious, anti social, and abusive. He was a punk rock musician from the late 1970’s to 1993. His career ended due to a heroin overdose. He was known for a stage act that included defecation, indecent exposure, self-mutilation, assaulting his audience and destroying the property of the venue in which he was performing. He wanted to bring rock and roll back to the roots he believed it had. He was staging a revolution within the genre with a rather amazing following.

That being said, the biggest changes in our society have come by force. The Revolutionary War, The civil war, the Civil Rights movement, standing against prohibition, the labor unions in the 1890’s, For Christ’s sake this took blood sweat and tears. It also took one thing our society has grown to lack: the balls to stand up and do something. Everyone I know has the needed credentials to make a stand and do what they believe is right. Most of society is too caught up in being politically correct and friendly to an ignorant automaton of a neighbor whom aggravates them on a daily basis. This happens so often that it seems everyone has become numbed to an injustice of ignorance, ignorant of there right to tell someone what they think of them in a somewhat intelligent manner. People are too scared to hurt someone, or their feelings, and too scared of rejection and pain.

This country was founded on standing up to something that was found to be unjust. It was founded on violence. Without violence and altercation we would not be the “Great Empire” we are today. We have been fed a somewhat hidden propaganda most of our lives; this would be along the lines of “violence is not the answer”. With this embedded into our Brains we have become more pacified as a society. Before this people were more likely to take up a stand and fight for what they believed in. look at the differences in attitude between generations. My grandfather and great-grandfathers generation were more likely to support the troops against the evil Axis powers. When today every college student without the guts to join the military cries and whines from the safety of their dorm room about how horrible this war is, how horrible our troops are and that we should just talk it over with fundamentalists, we’ll even supply the Krispy Kreme Donuts and Folgers coffee.

What I am about to say will probably offend many, but you must remember it’s going to be one of the truest American things you will ever read. I am protected by the constitution; In fact, the constitution almost encourages me to say this. If you have a problem with something, quit bitching and take action! Do not sign petitions and say that it is your right to free speech. No one actually listens to most of the petitions unless half of a state signs it and not a do nothing state such as Rhode Island. What you should do is use your right to vote first, then if that doesn't work, use your rights of free speech to stand on your soapbox on the corner and preach your word, use your right to organize, right to bear arms, and look into the laws of your rights to form a militia if need be. Overtake what you will.

The first thing that happened in our lives was so tragic and traumatizing that we do not remember it. That is birth if you have no idea what I am speaking about, so if you go through something graphic and horrible enough your brain should block it out. so go hard or go home, stand up, or get the fuck out of my country, this isn't a “right wing” or “left wing”, “Bush is an idiot”, “Bush is a god”, “This war is for oil”, or “Kill all the sandniggers” debate I'm throwing onto your dinner plate. What this is, is a "BE AN AMERICAN" Bitch out session for those of you too obsessed with Laguna Beach, American Idol, fashion, and how your possessions rank you in society, destroy the class system, boycott whatever you want. Remember to get others involved in your cause so it makes an impact. If you are pissed off at the government, Let your voice be heard in congress; or better yet give your speech on the steps of the capitol building for so long that they drag you inside to speak so you will finally shut up. You can always go the way of John Wilkes Booth or Lee Harvey Oswald; they made an impact, but just remember if you take the situation into your own hands in the same way these two individuals, all of your hard work could all be considered treasonous. Treason is punishable by death and I am sure without a trial.

So do what you will just do not be ignorant. If you forego your rights, I do not want to hear of your misfortunes due to the forfeiture. I do not want to hear complaining about the present situation of the global community. However, if you decide to take full advantage of your rights, no matter your reasoning or cause, I stand behind you. I stand behind you in the aspect that you are doing what our forefathers designed as the ultimate freedom in a democratic society. The freedom I speak of guarantees my sanity.

Against a Corpse's Will.

You are a product of your surroundings. I am not exempt from this rule. I refuse to follow my surroundings into a tailspin of self-destruction and insanity. The surroundings I am referring to are my family. I am striving to cut all ties with my extended family. These people may have shaped me into who I am today, sadly though they attempt to drag me into what they are today. This could be a multitude of roles in life ranging from the blind know nothing grandmother purposely ignorant to what she does not want to see, all the way down to the methamphetamine addled cousin with two affected children and her dope dealer boyfriend. These characters in my life have seen me develop into “the fine young man” I am today. I have developed into my role right along with the others as they simultaneously evolved into what they have become.

I hold much resentment at this decision in my life. I do love these people; I love them more than they know. I have tried to help all of them when they have needed it. What I have found out in this situation is that you can lead a man to reason, but you cannot make him think. I mean I have taken care of my cousins when they were sick, they’ve given me a ride home when I was too messed up to walk three miles home. I have stuck up for them and they have done the same for me. Yet, now I feel as if I am just throwing them under the bus. What are you to do when someone will not even look towards the light? The Bible says to take care of yourself before you go nitpicking into someone else’s affairs, and I know I have my problems. So currently, I have given up on helping these people. I hate to let them drift further and further into the depths of depravity. How am I supposed to help these people after being gone for so long?

I was raised in a culture where your family is worth dying for. If any of my family needs anything, I would feel obligated to give it to them. If it were an organ or bone marrow, I would almost feel as if they would owe me enough to straighten up the existence they had created. I am twenty-four years of age, working my ass off, attending a university with a fulltime class schedule, and I still manage to balance a social life in it somehow. I am working to end this current existence and begin the metamorphosis into something much more. Even though I am striving to succeed in my definition of the word, the others are content with their welfare checks and low quality dope.

I grew as a young child far from my extended family as my father was in the United States Navy. The government uprooted my shallow network of roots every two or three years and replanted me into new soil. Soil that I had to adjust to. Finding the different needed nutrients to survive, evolving to my surroundings. This was a blessing in disguise, because I now know that I can sever ties with anything and not feel regret. The only real contact I had with my grandparents throughout the majority of my childhood was a visit once or twice a year, along with the birthday cards and Christmas presents in the mail. This is not much more than the contact I had with my aunts, uncles, and my cousins. This was the way things were for quite awhile.

One summer I left my parents and moved in with my aunt Kim. She has always loved me and never spoke against me that I know of. If I ever needed anything, she would try to help. She was also the mother of the majority of my cousins. This was the beginning of a tragic drama. We got into fights with the neighbor kids. We went exploring in the woods. We did anything a kid could have wanted to do. After the first two weeks, things changed. My novelty had worn off. I was not special anymore. They turned on me. We still got along, but they had picked on me. This was the first time I had ever been bullied by anyone. By my own family. My uncle Dan played a game entitled “Uncle Dan Wins”. The rules to this game are the same as the title of the game. It would apply to anything and everything. A thirty-five year old man had to make children feel inferior to make himself feel superior. This messes with a child’s psyche. I wanted to go home. I wanted my mother. I had to deal with this personal hell for at least another month.

Eventually, my family moved back to Ohio and right next door to my grandmother. Of course, I was close with my family after that. Who wouldn’t love to go to Grandma’s house every day, scoring free cookies, a few bucks here and there, and being spoiled? My cousins moved in down the street, so we were always together. We all had matured from the past and I was inseparable from my family. We picked at each other and prodded each other to fight. That was just kids being kids though. I was one of the older ones so I had some power over my cousins. I was put in charge. I would baby-sit them. We were family, and at this point, I would have fought to death for any of my cousins. They were my other brothers and sisters.

I understand many families are not that close at all. However, my family gets together at least once a month for dinner these days. I was raised in a family where you stick up for your family. I have learned to fight for my family. I still will; depending on the family member, I will let a lot more criticism and hateful remarks about them go without conflict. The reason for this is that these remarks are true. My cousin is a methed out dope head with two kids from a redneck dope dealing wigger. Its sad that this type of comment and those much more derogatory don’t offend me anymore.

I have realized over time that my family is institutionally insane. Now you may be thinking that, “Everyone feels this way at one point in time or another”. This is the truth. My family suffers from so much substance abuse its sickening. My parents are the only ones that have not had the need to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I may need to go, but I do not let alcohol affect my life; I’m doing fine in school and I hold a decent job. In my family though, alcohol is not the only vice. I can go to a family reunion and be able to score a decent amount of dope, depending on what's in stock. My Aunt Kim likes to self medicate. She has a back problem, which apparently reserves the right to be hopped up on Soma’s and Vicodin constantly. If I complain of a slight headache to this woman, she will hand me a small handful of Vicodin. It is sickening. It is nice to she cares; yet her care is poison. I have seen her hand out prescription painkillers to her children for every bump and bruise.

This may just be substance abuse. To strengthen this point more I would like to point out that the majority of my family is on some kind of prescription anti-depressant or anxiety medication. They cannot function in society without these crutches. This may be due to the incest in the family three or four generations back from mine. This may be due to the abuse that was sustained from my parents severely alcoholic fathers. It could be due to substance abuse. All of these explanations of this argument of insanity are possible contributing factors as well.

The best example of how family deals with a harsh family situation is to use the example of my one cousin. The Methamphetamine addled, honor roll earning, responsibility shirking, mother of two. We both started dabbling with marijuana together. She was my supplier for quite some time. My family believed I was her supplier since she was such a good girl. Her boyfriend at the time had brought her into his destructive circle of addiction. At first, she just smoked weed with us. Then she had moved onto coke. I pleaded with her to get off coke, but when you are a pretty girl, you get copious amounts of free drugs. She was coked out of her mind for quite some time. During this period of her life, she was dating one of my best friends. I saw this all first hand. The worst was that we would all party together in a little house on Sherman Street in the attic of our squat. Cramming nine people into a one-bedroom house and you learn quite a bit about people. No privacy equals no secrets. After her little fling with coke, she had gotten herself into smoking meth alone in her garage. Eventually she became a full-blown tweaker. My tribe had disowned her since none of us dabbled in speed. Tweakers are also well known for being thieving bastards. She eventually “settled down” with a meth dealer from the area. All they did was get high, Even after she had two miscarriages from it. They had been kicked out of their old place, so my parents and my grandparents put them up in cottages that we rented out. They robbed my grandmother while she was out. Stealing almost five thousand dollars in jewelry. Her doper boyfriend had been arrested on drug charges. During his questioning, he had rolled over on some bigger fish in the business. He was released and a week later, the house they were living in was firebombed. Luckily, and I use that word loosely, they both were out at the time. They fled to Florida.

Now the relevance of this story is how my family deals with my cousins choices. What they do is make excuses. My family is very religious and I know the story of the Prodigal Son very well; hell, I’ve lived that story. The excuses they make for her are far-fetched and unbelievable. They range from “Her first boyfriend must have really hurt her” to “This must all stem from her head injury in that four wheeler accident”. Personally, I think these are absolute bullshit. Like I have stated, you are a product of your surroundings. The only way to change this is change your surroundings. They make excuses for everyone!

They made excuses for me saying, “He just has to find himself, it won’t last long”. I can guarantee you; my life would still be huge parties, good sex, high times and random road trips if I had not left. I would still be in the fast lane to self-destruction. This prodigal son would never have come home; he would have bummed change for a forty ounce of malt liquor, swept the storefront for a place to stay and then disappeared again. It would have been Harry Crews road trip without a motorcycle. I would have hopped boxcar to boxcar to find somewhere new. The worst part is that I still just want to escape life, ride the rails everyday, and not be locked down to any responsibilities. This choice would have shirked my responsibility to humanity. I would have denied the responsibility to myself. The responsibility of bettering myself, the responsibility of attempting to better humanity.

I took my own advice a few years ago and now I am struggling to pull myself from the flaming wreckage that my life was. It would be nice to have that flaming wreckage still be my monkey cage, where I would still do stupid tricks for simple treats. I yearn for it, but like I said, I have a responsibility. This is what my family, except for a few, has not realized. A few are attempting degrees, and one is attempting to get her teaching license. Other than that, everyone is worthless. At least they are worthless to myself. I have no need to be dragged down into those pits of hell again. When I attend a family gathering its usually just for the meal unless its Christmas. After the meal, I abruptly leave.

With my disgust for my family, I have decided to cut my ties with those that refuse to better themselves. Those that refuse to attempt to climb out of the shallow graves they have dug themselves. If they tried, I would be the first hand helping them out; but I am tired of sitting in this graveyard with them. I am tired of chiseling their names and dates into a small piece of granite that will stand as a mock memorial, glorifying the lives they had supposedly lived. For these reasons, I am leaving the cemetery gates that are my family’s grasp. I may be out of reach; yet I plan to stay within earshot hoping I hear the gasp of reanimation. I hope I hear it soon. I am sick of attempting to drag the living dead from open graves; I had much rather help the atrophied and reanimated being yearning to live again.

diggin out some old stuff I found

I woke up in the early afternoon once the house had finally warmed up. The house was always uncomfortably cold. With only one of us working, another living on an inheritance, and myself squatting, we had very little money for the amenities of heat. I had grown accustomed to the thermostat being set at fifty degrees. It was set at this frigid temperature just to keep the pipes from freezing. We became acclimated rather quickly. We had to. We lived there. Our many houseguests would always complain until one of our usual parties was in full swing with bodies packed wall to wall. Everyone was drinking massive amounts alcohol. We just thought of it as putting on our liquid jackets. Mind you, we did not have the creature comforts most people had such as a phone or cable. We sacrificed these things for booze and drugs.

We opened our house to anyone who wanted to have a good time, mainly to keep the house heated. When no partygoers were there; I would smoke a bowl in the garage, cook up some ramen noodles, and play video games with Owen or work on music with Mark. We watched the same movies everyday. We would watch American History X, Boyz n the Hood, or any war movie we could get our hands on. We had watched these movies so many times that we had memorized the full script. We would even turn the volume off and narrate the movies ourselves. We were the antithesis of every contributing human being on the planet.

Parties would usually start up unannounced. Random people would just show up to drink, smoke weed, or anything else they had felt like doing. Usually two or three good close friends would stop by and bring a few cases of beer and a bottle of whiskey or two. I would start cleaning the glasses for people to mix drinks because I had not done the dishes since the last party. Someone would start drying and putting them back into the cupboard. Then people just started billowing in like the immigrants on Ellis Island, looking for a good time instead of shelter and a job. I would usually reside in the garage most of the night smoking weed or opium until I did not know what was real. Then I would wander back into the house and play some hackeysack, wrestle with Mark or play drinking games until five in the morning. From there I would pass out and wake up when the house was warm enough.

Out of that comfortable monotony I went nowhere. I had quit school, been fired from my job, and had been unemployed for four months or so. All I did was get drunk, get high and sit in the Dairymart parking lot passing time when I wasn’t at the house. I would go out and drive for hours for something to do. I was making a sad attempt to escape from the black hole I was living in. It was the most fun I’d ever had, but it was my personal hell. I would conjure up images of doing something awesome by definition. I wanted to do something people would be scared of, embrace, reject, or stand against. I wanted to lead a revolution. Whether it was my own internal revolution against my current beliefs or a full militaristic revolution, I would be leading. I always backed down because, like all human beings, I was afraid of change.

However, one day I got the gall to change what I was doing. I went job hunting. I applied almost everywhere in the county, including every temporary employment agency. I shaved, cut my hair, went on a stint of total sobriety except for my daily caffeine and nicotine binges. I did everything imaginable to get a job. I would have tap danced naked on a table for senior citizens if they would have paid me. I wanted something to do. After two months, I came to the grim realization that no one wanted to hire an unskilled nineteen-year-old man. I realized this after I was checking up with one of the temporary employment agencies. They told me this and I caved. I left the building, got into my car and lit up a cigarette. While I was driving away I noticed the one place that would hire me. The Armed Forces Recruitment Center.

Still in a half daze from the news the temporary agency had given me, I went to see the Navy recruiter. They’d gone home for the night; it was relatively late in the evening. Therefore, I took my Father’s advice, “Fight from far away”. I went down the hall and talked to the Air Force recruiter. They gave me the ASVAB pretest. They were amazed by my high scores, which I thought were just above average. The test seemed simple to me, so I figured many people had scores as high as mine. What I’d found out was that with my scores I was qualified for any job in the United States military. So, I signed on the dotted line, ready to start a new life.

I went straight to my parents’ house to tell them the news; they were scared and excited for me. My dad reminded me I was enlisting during a time of war. My mother just hugged me. I sat down and had dinner with them. Then I returned home. I was reluctant to tell my friends and roommates, but I had to. They were the people closest to me. I’d saved Mark’s life during his two overdoses. I at least owed it to him to let him know I wouldn’t be there to save him much longer. They were more shocked than my parents. They were almost appalled; but they all agreed I had to do something with my life and that this place was just bringing me down.

For the next week, I was anxious, in the true sense of the word. I was suffering from anxiety. I was excited and incredibly nervous all at the same time. I was leaving this place, which is why I was excited. I was afraid of that at the same time because I was leaving what I knew best. However, the lure of traveling to exotic places, meeting exotic people, and killing them was too much to keep me down. Everyone promised to send me letters of encouragement while I was in Basic Training, but I disregarded their gestures. I knew that they did not possess the motivation to get my address from my parents. I said my goodbyes and severed my ties with what I knew. I hated severing the ties, but I knew that if I did not it would make the transition to a new life much harder.

The day I left, my father drove me to the recruiter’s office, shook my hand, and saw me off. It was very painful because at that moment I knew my father loved me and finally viewed me as an adult. We both kept from crying, said goodbye, and I watched him drive away. My recruiter drove me to Cleveland where I was put up in a very nice hotel with many other recruits leaving the same time I was. All we did was sit around, attempt to finish our packs of cigarettes and converse about what our futures may hold. We spoke of things like where we would like to be stationed, our biggest fears, what lies ahead of us, and our backgrounds to try and relate to one another. I made some good friends, some of whom I was able to see at Basic training graduation and while on leave since they live just an hour from my home.

The next morning we went to Cleveland Hopkins International Airport and waited at the USO. My new friend Bekah and I decided to share our meal vouchers so that we could eat both in Cleveland and once we got to San Antonio. We ended up sitting next to each other on all of the flights down to San Antonio and would either play cards or sleep as if we would never be able to sleep again. Once we arrived in San Antonio, we were herded onto buses. Next, we were shipped off to the Lackland Air Force Base. Everyone was nervous, terrified, and trying to make small talk. I used my nervousness to crack jokes and rile up some laughs among my newfound comrades from across the country. Then we pulled through the gate.

Everyone fell silent. We pulled up next to a building at one in the morning. There, we were quickly ripped into, as if we were a new kill on the Savannah. The instructors terrorized our herd as if they were a pack of wolves. Picking at us one by one, and then addressing the whole group. We were shuffled into the processing center where we sat silently and were heckled by passing instructors waiting to get us into their clutches. I was nowhere near ready for this on a personal level, even though I had watched Full Metal Jacket everyday for the past two weeks. Finally, a moment of peace was brought upon us. We marched in a sloppy, oafish formation to our new home. My new home was the 320^th Training Squadron, section 3, barracks 11A, Bay B, Bunk 5. We were calmly told what was expected of us. We were told the basic rules of the base and what to do during emergencies. Then we were left to sleep. Some people were too nervous to sleep, and others viewed the 3 hours of sleep we were going to get as pointless and stayed awake either quietly talking to one another or staring at the ceiling contemplating what they had gotten themselves into. I realized my new best friend was my bunk so I got very acquainted with it and went right to sleep.

Sleeping, I had forgotten I had left home. I was awakened by what I thought were my roommates pulling my mattress out from underneath of me. I uttered “What the fuck Mark?!” and opened my eyes to find a wool blanket draping me and my bunk flipped over with a man’s face hovering three inches over me screaming:

“My name is not Mark! My name is Technical Sergeant Johnson! Get the fuck up! Welcome to Hell!” and all I could do was think about what I had gotten myself into.

One of My favorite songs ever

Midnight Thoughts by Madcap has to be one of the greatest lyrical works ever. Its been with me for like 7 years now, the first verse cuts my life into just a few lines. It's pretty crazy.
Working for the man, trying to make the wages,
Working for the man, selling sophistication.
Working for the girl, trying to stay sane,
When all you wants a ticket on an outbound train.
I just love how it cuts everything I've done since I started back in highschool into 4 lines. Of course it doesn't include all the crazy times living with mark, or goin to farm farmevery weekend throughout the summer, Years of concert going or any thing else I did extra. But if it wasn't for those 4 lines I wouldn't have done those things. Thats where my wages went. But those were just the substitution instead of packing up and getting out of town. I should have followed my dream of travelling the rails for a year. But I let the bastards grind me down. They may have ground the burs and snags off of my profile but when your core never changes and they never stop grinding, you get just a bit sharper in your age. Just gotta keep a good angle when against the grindstone. And this quarter is gonna wreck my face worse than a sawed off ten gauge shotgun loaded with a roll of quarters. Lets get ready for some fun.

I'll Be Here Awhile

From time to time throughout this quarter AJ's gotten ahold of me. Whether to hang out or study it was all good. usually I was just too damn busy to get together. Half the time I was just tryin to put space between us I didn't wanna mess up her relationship with J. I just felt that I didn't belong there anymore. AJ is and always will be one of my best friends, but when the chemistry between me and her significant others is just awkward and uncomfortable I think I should play the sidelines.
Well last night we walked across town to her apartment. We were just bullshittin for about the first quarter of the walk. Then she stopped and seriously dropped some heavy material right there. She wanted to know how I felt about her. I told her the truth, I love the girl to death but I know we'll never be together again. She crosses my mind now and then and I keep tryin to stop it. It sounds mean but its just to ease the two of us into more of a friend relationship. Its been 3.5 months since we split up. we've known each other for something like 12 years; so being friends isn't going to be a catty week of hating each other. After that initial question it just got deeper and deeper for both of us. It basically brewed down to "Pink, I still love you and will always love you, but I don't know"

That just throws me off. It doesn't help that she brings this up when I'd been drinkin. She also knows she's the only person I feel comfortable opening up too. I don't trust many people. I bottle everything up and forget it. People Think I'm a mellow easy going guy, I just quit opening my mouth. I don't like when people know too much about me, I hate being vulnerable. People always wanna know why I'm so sarcastic: My sarcasm is the only way I can express feelings while retaining my facade of non-feeling.

I seriously give up on Love. Some people get lucky with it, and for others the cards just won't fall. I'm going to just cruise through life, meet wonderful people, surround myself in people I enjoy, Work my job with nothing holding back my decisions and just have the freedom to do whatever I want to do, having no one to answer too. Now I just have to make myself fully believe that one.

I'm just an 11yr old in a 24yr old body....Fuck it all, gnite

A few weeks ago I fell off the wagon and hit the bottom of the bottle running. I realized since then that I'm not much different than when I was sober. seriously. I had to keep telling myself I was happy with my decision to quit drinking. I was absolutely miserable, I had nothing to do for leisure since all of my friends either were too busy, or didn't feel right inviting the sober guy to parties. All I did was schoolwork and go off to work. I did some writing but that was about it and personally I think that writing sucked. I know Ilet a few people down with the decision to start drinking again but I know I showed my father a path he ddn't know he could take and I am happy he's stickin with it. But differences between us is I had no support network, and those of you who said you were, I had one person call me to do something the entire time; some of you were just too busy. I don't mind, I'm an easy going guy who hates puttin people out. I'm not gonna drag you out of your plans. And to C thanks for always letting me know your door was open when I was jonesing, but I just didn't know you well enough to open up with all of this. Thats part of the reason I didn't want to go to AA, I didn't even have the time to go. well Screw it we'll see what happens with this. I'm keepin it in check. No more going through half gallons of rum in a week. even though that was fun.

But this weekend I was in Vegas and met up with two of the best friends a man could ever have. It seriously was the best birthday present anyone could have asked for. You two stay safe!!! haven't seen either of them in years and luckily had the chance to catch up with them for a few hours. It was just a double bummer on Sunday when within 6 hours I'd told both of them goodbye until our paths cross again somehow. very bittersweet.

Guess I'll just keep doin what I do, grind through school as fast as possible and then get on with it all and hopefully restart my life again but this time do it somewhere I want to be and on my terms.