crumbling rock

This week has been very very odd. friday to friday I've got so many odd bits of news, some seriously odd while others are sorrowful. What makes it even worse is that I'm being surrounded by birthday celebrations and a few new friends. like I said AJ called me friday, well she called me again wednesday. this time was completely different. Our good friend John Collins had finally died. He was 78 or so and had worked every day of it up until sunday. He finally died, he's not in pain anymore, not having to battle his cancer, and he's where he belongs. one of the greatest people I've ever met and If I could achieve being a quarter of the man that he was I will consider my existence pretty successful. I can't make it to his services...It's too bad, but I don't do well at funerals and its 4 hours away and I have to work. well I figured thats the worst news I could have gotten. I fixed that hurt with some good friends and good beers and met one of my favorite bands randomly at my buddy's house. everything seemed like it was turning around. And then I woke up with this killer hangover. well I went through work battling pain and brightlights. and I succeeded. once I got home my grandmother called me up to inform me that my father is in the hospital because of "a mass on his kidney". now he had some skin cancer removed from his nose last month, and now this, it may be malignant, but the tests are being run currently....Its sad that I'm a 24 year old man and I'm having problems realizing that my 47 year old father, one of the only people I hold as a hero, is not invincible. I know he's not gonna just roll over and die, or crash in his sleep... but I'm freaked out. I seriously just want to see my dad shake his hand, give him a hug, and tell him that I love him. I'm seriously scared of losing my father and I don't know how I wound this shit up in my head but the man has had his finger torn from his hand, got reattached, got hit by a car and was working on the house a day later, he gets sick once every three years. my brothers and I along with our friends are afraid to jump him and wrestle him down because he'll take us down and put at least three 17-26 yr old men in the hospital before he accepts his defeat. and now his age is getting to him. I know he's still the same guy but I'm seeing that he's not the "rock" he used to be. It just sucks.

Blast from the past

The other day she called me up, AJ. She told me that she had broken up with her significant other. She was in tears that were easily heard over the phone. After comforting her for a moment she asked me how my personal love life was, and I told her I'd recently started seeing someone. almost instantaneously the tears and sobbing were gone from her voice. As if this call was meant to tell me she wants me back. Yes I love this girl dearly, she's still one of my best friends. yet she strung me along and I followed because I wanted her back so badly. She fucked up my head and she knows this. Every friend of mine who knew her that I've spoken with has advised me not to go back, even my own mother who has known this girl for years advised against it. I didn't want the advice I just needed to talk to someone. I had already made my decision months prior. AJ may have realized that she fucked up, but I'm 98% sure I've moved on. Its sad, because I hate crushing peoples hopes. but I can't please everyone equally. This phone call did fuck up my head though, she switched teams after me, and completely changed. maybe she needed time to find herself(which was her reason for the breakup, along with my "quirks"). But still its fucked up. and now she will randomly call/text me to see how I'm doing, or tell me I was in her dream the nite prior, I don't ask details but I know what it meant. I guess what I've learned is that Shit happens and people change. Fuck it, live life, bleed slow.

Huzzah for making connections

So I was bartending for a bunch of teachers today. one of them asked me what I was majoring in and I told them education. Just about all of them stopped and shot the shit tryin to find out why I wanted to teach, what I want to teach, et cetera. Well one of the women offered me a spot for class observations and possible student teaching. The catch is that its an alternative school for kids who are felons. Kids that don't believe in themselves. I seriously want to land a job in the innercity because low income schools need teahcers and I just want to connect with a student an affect there life positively somehow. THIS IS PERFECT. second of all it'd look badass on a resume. I'm fuckin stoked. I mean it seriously brightened up the past few weeks since its been kinda hit and miss with life lately.
Only drawback is the school is like 25 miles away from me...fuck it, I'm stoked...It should be crazy good for me. and I'll get to do what I want. work with people who need me and learn from them. It will be win/win for both of us. I'll teach these kids what they need taught scholastically and some life lessons while they show me the possibilities of what they can do. I can't fuckin wait.

Life's Playlist

Of course this gets switched up from time to time, but the good ones stay forever.
In no particular order:

"Calm Down Baby" Mac Lethal (My everyday Anthem)

"Sucks to be You"- Murs (Gets me through a Bad day)

"Tire Swing"-Kimya Dawson (I dig it)

"Give Me Love" Grayskul (good beat, great lyrics)

"You Make Me Feel Like A Whore"-Everclear (Self Explanatory)

"Dig Up Her Bones" the misfits (I can't get there on my own)

"Jimmy" 1208 (Definition of me)

"1234 1234" Streetlight Manifesto (I'm a wet cigarette)

"Smart Went Crazy" Atmosphere

"modern Man's Hustle" Atmosphere (let's me know that I gotta take care of me)

"Don't Ever Fuckin Question That" Atmosphere (It's just how I am)

"Pipebomb on landsdowne" Dropkick Murphys (Makes me chuckle)

"Follow you into the dark" Deathcab (I dunno, but it gets me)

Yesterday" Atmosphere
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFakOHRED_w
"Guarantees" Atmosphere

"True Crime" Ramallah

"Girl" El Pus

"reflections" Atmosphere (GOD YES!)

"Sore Losers" Bigwig (listen to it now)

"Alone in New Jersey" Bigwig

"You may be Right" Billy Joel

"Dune Buggy" P.U.S.A.

"never been in Love" Talib Kweli

"Rocky Road to Dublin" Dropkick Murphys (My life lately)

"Midnight Thoughts" Madcap ( get it)

"Days of the BK's" El Pus ( just a nice throwback memory)

"Broke" Whole Wheat Bread

"Old Man Samson" Whole Wheat Bread (My current future)

"Painting" Atmosphere ( no paint covers these stains)

"Day in the Life" Ramallah

"Full of Love" Ramallah (Sarcasm at it's finest)

"Broken Wings" Sage Francis (I want a woman like this)

"Handlebars" Flobots (truth)

"Paper Planes" M.I.A. (The beat sets me off)

"100 proof" 88fingers louie

Theres more and updates to come...but you get the idea. Look up whats not linked its all damned good and covers a variety of genres


Pee sleazy

I forgot

How big of a shithole my home town is...its not that its a shithole so much as the unemployment rate affects a society. my neighbor mows the grass for the local corner store for credit so he can buy smokes. now mind you this guy has worked hard for his little part. He OWNS a very smal plot of land and a beat on trailer, he's married(I'm pretty sure) and has like 5 kids. He just got hurt at work a few years ago and now does odd jobs around a poverty stricken community. Most of the people in my town are alcoholics or junkies. most do shoddy construction work for a friend when they need cash otherwise they're content not contributing to society. It just makes me sick.

it's a motherfucker

this is not like me at all

I dunno what it is. I never have a problem talking to people. but there is this one girl, I seriously cannot talk to her. I don't know why. It blows my mind. maybe I just don't know if we have any common ground, but I can't get the guts to really say more than "hi". maybe I just need some social lubricant. mmmmmm honey weiss.