One of My favorite songs ever

Midnight Thoughts by Madcap has to be one of the greatest lyrical works ever. Its been with me for like 7 years now, the first verse cuts my life into just a few lines. It's pretty crazy.
Working for the man, trying to make the wages,
Working for the man, selling sophistication.
Working for the girl, trying to stay sane,
When all you wants a ticket on an outbound train.
I just love how it cuts everything I've done since I started back in highschool into 4 lines. Of course it doesn't include all the crazy times living with mark, or goin to farm farmevery weekend throughout the summer, Years of concert going or any thing else I did extra. But if it wasn't for those 4 lines I wouldn't have done those things. Thats where my wages went. But those were just the substitution instead of packing up and getting out of town. I should have followed my dream of travelling the rails for a year. But I let the bastards grind me down. They may have ground the burs and snags off of my profile but when your core never changes and they never stop grinding, you get just a bit sharper in your age. Just gotta keep a good angle when against the grindstone. And this quarter is gonna wreck my face worse than a sawed off ten gauge shotgun loaded with a roll of quarters. Lets get ready for some fun.

I'll Be Here Awhile

From time to time throughout this quarter AJ's gotten ahold of me. Whether to hang out or study it was all good. usually I was just too damn busy to get together. Half the time I was just tryin to put space between us I didn't wanna mess up her relationship with J. I just felt that I didn't belong there anymore. AJ is and always will be one of my best friends, but when the chemistry between me and her significant others is just awkward and uncomfortable I think I should play the sidelines.
Well last night we walked across town to her apartment. We were just bullshittin for about the first quarter of the walk. Then she stopped and seriously dropped some heavy material right there. She wanted to know how I felt about her. I told her the truth, I love the girl to death but I know we'll never be together again. She crosses my mind now and then and I keep tryin to stop it. It sounds mean but its just to ease the two of us into more of a friend relationship. Its been 3.5 months since we split up. we've known each other for something like 12 years; so being friends isn't going to be a catty week of hating each other. After that initial question it just got deeper and deeper for both of us. It basically brewed down to "Pink, I still love you and will always love you, but I don't know"

That just throws me off. It doesn't help that she brings this up when I'd been drinkin. She also knows she's the only person I feel comfortable opening up too. I don't trust many people. I bottle everything up and forget it. People Think I'm a mellow easy going guy, I just quit opening my mouth. I don't like when people know too much about me, I hate being vulnerable. People always wanna know why I'm so sarcastic: My sarcasm is the only way I can express feelings while retaining my facade of non-feeling.

I seriously give up on Love. Some people get lucky with it, and for others the cards just won't fall. I'm going to just cruise through life, meet wonderful people, surround myself in people I enjoy, Work my job with nothing holding back my decisions and just have the freedom to do whatever I want to do, having no one to answer too. Now I just have to make myself fully believe that one.

I'm just an 11yr old in a 24yr old body....Fuck it all, gnite

A few weeks ago I fell off the wagon and hit the bottom of the bottle running. I realized since then that I'm not much different than when I was sober. seriously. I had to keep telling myself I was happy with my decision to quit drinking. I was absolutely miserable, I had nothing to do for leisure since all of my friends either were too busy, or didn't feel right inviting the sober guy to parties. All I did was schoolwork and go off to work. I did some writing but that was about it and personally I think that writing sucked. I know Ilet a few people down with the decision to start drinking again but I know I showed my father a path he ddn't know he could take and I am happy he's stickin with it. But differences between us is I had no support network, and those of you who said you were, I had one person call me to do something the entire time; some of you were just too busy. I don't mind, I'm an easy going guy who hates puttin people out. I'm not gonna drag you out of your plans. And to C thanks for always letting me know your door was open when I was jonesing, but I just didn't know you well enough to open up with all of this. Thats part of the reason I didn't want to go to AA, I didn't even have the time to go. well Screw it we'll see what happens with this. I'm keepin it in check. No more going through half gallons of rum in a week. even though that was fun.

But this weekend I was in Vegas and met up with two of the best friends a man could ever have. It seriously was the best birthday present anyone could have asked for. You two stay safe!!! haven't seen either of them in years and luckily had the chance to catch up with them for a few hours. It was just a double bummer on Sunday when within 6 hours I'd told both of them goodbye until our paths cross again somehow. very bittersweet.

Guess I'll just keep doin what I do, grind through school as fast as possible and then get on with it all and hopefully restart my life again but this time do it somewhere I want to be and on my terms.