I'll Be Here Awhile

From time to time throughout this quarter AJ's gotten ahold of me. Whether to hang out or study it was all good. usually I was just too damn busy to get together. Half the time I was just tryin to put space between us I didn't wanna mess up her relationship with J. I just felt that I didn't belong there anymore. AJ is and always will be one of my best friends, but when the chemistry between me and her significant others is just awkward and uncomfortable I think I should play the sidelines.
Well last night we walked across town to her apartment. We were just bullshittin for about the first quarter of the walk. Then she stopped and seriously dropped some heavy material right there. She wanted to know how I felt about her. I told her the truth, I love the girl to death but I know we'll never be together again. She crosses my mind now and then and I keep tryin to stop it. It sounds mean but its just to ease the two of us into more of a friend relationship. Its been 3.5 months since we split up. we've known each other for something like 12 years; so being friends isn't going to be a catty week of hating each other. After that initial question it just got deeper and deeper for both of us. It basically brewed down to "Pink, I still love you and will always love you, but I don't know"

That just throws me off. It doesn't help that she brings this up when I'd been drinkin. She also knows she's the only person I feel comfortable opening up too. I don't trust many people. I bottle everything up and forget it. People Think I'm a mellow easy going guy, I just quit opening my mouth. I don't like when people know too much about me, I hate being vulnerable. People always wanna know why I'm so sarcastic: My sarcasm is the only way I can express feelings while retaining my facade of non-feeling.

I seriously give up on Love. Some people get lucky with it, and for others the cards just won't fall. I'm going to just cruise through life, meet wonderful people, surround myself in people I enjoy, Work my job with nothing holding back my decisions and just have the freedom to do whatever I want to do, having no one to answer too. Now I just have to make myself fully believe that one.